On a pregnancy note...I'm still feeling great! I did have another bit of a "body issue" breakdown. Which...looking back...I feel so silly. And even worse...so selfish. But really, I think that I actually needed to get emotional and talk it out with Cody instead of holding it in and trying to deal with it myself...which is how I pretty much deal with things when they get hard. I've got that "superwoman" mentality. I like to think I can take on anything, do anything, suck it up, and move on to the next thing without a hitch in my get-up. But...that's just not so when you're pregnant. This was really the first time I got emotional about something and shed some tears through this pregnancy so far. But I also think it was good for me. I kinda went through some body changes earlier in this pregnancy...but nothing really like this. I think that time it was just more dealing with the fact that things were starting to slow down in my workouts and my eating habits had changed slightly...so a lot of that was just getting used to a few changes that were happening with everything. Not that it still wasn't a challenge and hard to go through. But, it certainly didn't compare to this time. It actually started about the end of last week. I went to try on a pair of my skinny jeans and they just "seemed" to be tighter than they were just a few days ago. I literally just folded up on the floor and said, "this can't already be happening!" Thankfully, at that time, I was the only one home so the only people to see me act like a goober were the dogs. Which, they were so sweet and came running to me and licked all over my face...I'm sure they were wondering what was going on with their momma! They've not seen me cry very many times! I tried to just brush it under the rug and deal with it myself without really saying anything to anyone. But, the more I kept it in, the more I was saying things like, "my hips, butt, and legs are just fat" and "I'm already expanding at 13-14 weeks, how much bigger am I going to get" and "all I'm getting is fat." Oh wow...writing that just really sounds terrible. And I said it to Cody so many times, I know he was getting frustrated. He kept saying, "you're so beautiful" and "I'm so attracted to you" and "you are more and more beautiful and I am more attracted to you now than I've ever been." How sweet is that?!?! And, I knew he meant it...but I just didn't feel beautiful or attractive.
On Sunday morning, before church, I finally was just really telling him how I was feeling inside and not just saying, "I'm fat." I really broke down in front of him...which made me feel really silly and kind of weak. You see...I'm really not much of a crier. So, when I do cry, I just feel super exposed and like I can't handle it on my own. So stupid! I knew that my body changing would be the hardest part for me during pregnancy. But, you really just never know how it's going to affect you or feel until you go through it yourself. You see, I have always been athletic, in shape, kept the same weight, worked out super, super hard, and eaten so clean and healthy. All those things are still true, except that I've gained about three pounds...which is a very good thing! I've had a few pregnancy splurges with food. But, nothing insane or extremely unhealthy. I'm also a control freak, and I can't control what's happening to my body right now...so that was hard to accept. No matter how many miles I run during the week or how many CrossFit WODs I do during the week or how healthy I eat, my body is just changing. And why shouldn't it?!?!? I'm growing a sweet, precious, miracle inside of me. I would never want to do anything to harm the baby. Or, not eat enough or push too hard in my workouts that would do something that is unhealthy for our little one. All that said...I am SO much better now. I think I just needed to actually verbalize how I was feeling inside instead of just making untrue comments that just sounded like I was vain and had a bad self image. Because, you see, I'm still wearing ALL my normal clothes. They are still buttoning up...for the most part. Usually after lunch, if I'm wearing my skinny jeans, I have to use the hair tie trick to keep them "buttoned." And really...they are not tighter anywhere else other than my tummy. I just way overreacted. Call it hormones, call it control freak issues, call it vanity, call it whatever you like. But, it was something that was hard for me to go through during those few days. My precious husband, family, and friends have been my support system for any crazy emotion I'm going through...no matter what it is. Having two other pregnant friends right now, and several others that have had babies is so super helpful right now. I've talked, texted, and vented to them about this same thing. And, they've all said that at some point in time during their pregnancy, they've all gone through similar stuff.
Don't get me wrong for a second. I am SO excited, thankful, grateful, and blessed to get to experience the joy of pregnancy and being a mom. But, it doesn't come without challenges. I do know that those challenges are far outweighed by the joy, excitement, and overwhelming love that comes with pregnancy and being a mom. I am already so in love with this baby and I can't imagine how much more that love will grow the second I get to see it's sweet face. I just really want to be honest with every step and phase of this pregnancy because I know that there are others out there who have been, are, or are soon to become pregnant. It's ok and normal to feel however you feel no matter what it is you're going through. Your body is literally growing a miracle and it all changes so fast to grow and nurture the baby that's living inside of you. Now that I'm 14 weeks, we are seeing changes in my tummy almost daily. From one day to the next it looks just a smidge bigger than it did the day before. And all that means is that our sweet, precious little one is growing, healthy, and thriving. So, no matter what other changes may come, good or bad, I am so excited and ready for the new phases that are to come through this pregnancy. All it means is that we are one step closer to getting to meet this little miracle. As of now...I am feeling SO much better about everything. I really don't give it a second thought and when I do think about my little breakdown...I feel like it was all a dream. Our little baby is the size of a navel orange...about 4.5 inches long and weighs about 2 ounces! This sweet little baby is worth anything I go through for the next 26 weeks and beyond! I love you so much Baby Kelley!!!
Week 14 Symptoms:
- Thankfully...I have SO much energy back! The 2nd trimester is seriously awesome when it comes to regaining as much normalcy as possible!
- HUGE boobs! I swear they grow more everyday.
- Cravings: still none really. But...when I think about certain restaurants...I want to go there! Like...Abuelo's, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Bonzai...yummy!!!
- Aversions: surprisingly...I think they are almost all gone. I've been eating chicken and veggies like a champ!!! But I still adore sandwiches...I guess that should go in the cravings list!
Only 26 more weeks to go!!!
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